Milestones

     

 

Hey, Friend!

We are wrapping up our time here in Ella, Sri Lanka & will be headed to Hyderabad, India for part of this next month. It’s funny because I realize that I have started to think of the months of the year like countries. Instead of thinking “March” I think “Sri Lanka” Now here we are, heading into April, but really all I think is “India!”. & let me tell you, I am SO stoked for India. I am excited to see the people, the culture, the colors, to taste the curry, to eat the rotti, to dress in a Saree & to do my best to love on the people all around that we cross paths with. I can hardly wait to experience it, & it is coming up fast!

Living in Ella for 2 1/2 weeks has been amazing. I am sad to leave the people that have become my friends, & in some ways feel like a Sri Lankan family too. Whether it be the worker friend that would laugh every time I came in to buy another 50 cent ice cream, or the manager who made sure my friends and I were being taken care of, or the tuk tuk driver that hauled up a mountain with us (when at certain times we were a bit concerned it might stall out and start going backwards) or if it be the friend we met full of dreams, & future ambitions or the mountains & waterfalls & occasional elephant crossing the road or the endless monkeys in the trees. It has all been so good.

A couple highlights that come to mind was actually having the opportunity to pray for two of the local cooks. One cook was a bit nervous about several things coming up that night & had shared that with me, so my first thought was “lets pray about it and ask for fun and joy and peace instead!” So that is exactly what we did, we prayed to God for those things & that people would treat him kindly. After I saw him the next day, he exclaimed how well the things he once was nervous about went. He said something along the lines of ” It was so fun, I was surprised, it was great, no problems, thank you for praying, wow thank you”. It made me so happy to know that simple act of prayer, seemed to impact him in a positive way! Also, this person is so cool, I am so glad to be friends with him!

The other highlight that comes to mind was praying for a cook, actually the owner of my favorite Rotti resturant. I kid you not, I went there every opportunity I could, it was delicious! Secondly, this man who owns the resturant is precious! After going to that rotti hut just about every other day, & making every effort to become friends with the workers, I finally got the courage to ask if they could show me how to make the rotti, so they let me cook my own! Within these visits, one time I had the opportunity to pray for the owners back pain to be gone, & for his business to increase in favor & financial blessing! Within these simple acts of prayer, I see in peoples eyes & sometimes remarks, it means something. & I love being able to be part of that, it is an honor.

Part of this world race journey has involved sharing my life story with friends that I have been around, & for some reason it made me really excited to share with you snippets of my life story too, focusing on the more spiritual journey I have been on throughout life. So here we go!

I grew up in a home that pursued the Christian faith. My parents made great effort to teach us, empower us, and lead us in the way of Jesus. I am so thankful!

At age five I remember sitting in a corner and asking God to come into my heart. I obviously did not fully know what that meant at that age, but I knew it meant something Good.

Through Elementary school I read books from the bible, & went to Sunday school, I remember sometimes talking to people about how Jesus loved them. I too, wanted to be like Jesus because I knew Jesus showed alot of love to people.

Come junior high, it was rough! I did not forget about God, but I was way more concerned with what others thought of me than who I was through the eyes of God. I tried to fit in, I tried to wear the right clothes, I rebelled a little bit too. I was angsty!

Ask my mom…or anyone in my family for that matter, haha! I was more self focused and selfish than outward focused & giving. I slammed the door on people, I had trouble welcoming others in because I was wallowing in attitude, hurt, and confliction.

By 8th Grade summer, I was desperate for a change. I did not like where my life was heading & I did not approve of who I was becoming. I came to conclusion that there had to be more to this life.

Milestone…. 

Mid 8th grade summer, I found myself at a Christian Summer camp called Spring Hill. This was a milestone of my life. It was a week of being surrounded in people seeming to walk in freedom, fun, joy, and resilience. I learned about Jesus, I learned about how God desires to have a loving relationship with us, a divine relationship with the creator of this universe.

I saw people living it out, my age, and ages older. I felt peace, I felt a deep deep peace like something really really good was about to happen. SO I said, HECK YES! I WANT THAT! By the last night of Spring Hill Camp, a big group and I sat around a campfire where someone shared the gospel to us all, then asked if anyone wanted to give their life to Jesus.

With my heart pounding, and tears in my eyes, I said Yes that is me! Someone came and prayed over me & I believed in my heart that it was a fresh start for me in this life. I was ready to do this thing called life with Jesus, I wanted it. & I felt it.

Upon return to my hometown, I was so excited to see my family. & boy was my family surprised. “Kailey, what happened to you, you are different!” are some of the remarks I got.

My older sister, utterly surprised because no longer was I slamming the door on her, but welcoming her into my room to come chat & spend time with me. I had a new hunger to read the bible, one I hadn’t had before, I was thirsty to know how to love people as Jesus loved them too! I found myself looking at the bible as if it was a road map in life, I was ready & so excited to be directed on this journey.

Come freshman year of high school, I made a goal with myself & God. I said “God I want to represent Love to my high school. I want to share the light of Jesus here, help me do it”. & that is what I aimed for as I strived to understand more and more about what being a follower of Jesus could look like.

In the beginning of High school, I had several people come up to me and ask “Kailey, what happened to you? You are different in a good way. You used to be so sad, now you are not. You seem so happy.

My response would usually be a shy smile and laugh then say “yeah, I don’t really know what happened but this summer I dedicated my life to Jesus & alot has changed from there“

In all this time hoping to share the love to Jesus to people, I too was changing for the better from the inside out. Slowly but surely, selfishness was being stripped away, pride was weakening & humility was gaining. Talking back to my parents was slowing down & being quick to listen and slow to speak was increasing in my life.

Worrying became lessened and I was starting to walk in more confidence in who I was made to be.

I felt a perspective shift on what was important in life. My heart was getting bigger and bigger for people, I just wanted to share love with them!

Come senior year of summer, I just had wrapped up high school and was planning to study further and go to a school called “Hope College. I felt burnt out. I felt toasted from 4 years of high school trying to be a light, but also not taking good care of myself on a emotional, mental, and sometimes physical level.

I started to doubt, I started to doubt if what I had been told about Christianity was legitimate or not. Is it the way, the truth, the life? Ir is it another good set of morals to follow, was it all stories of fiction, but with good truthful lessons and principles to live by? Was it just what my parents had taught me and that’s why I believed?

That summer, no longer did I read the bible. No longer was I trying to get to know Jesus more. I decided to look for fulfillment other places that ended up leaving me feeling empty.

All while starting my first few weeks of college. I found myself in an “18 year old crisis”, who am i? Where do I belong? What do I believe anymore?

One night, I just about had it. I heard one gal at college in passing talking about Jesus as if she talks with him everyday like a friend. This upset me because no longer was I sure Jesus was alive and real as I had once hoped.

I called my older sister. I cried out to her and told her what I was upset about and how I was in deep confliction. My sister said something along the lines of “Kailey if you feel like it, I want you to cry out to God just the same way that you cried out to me. Tell God what you feel, tell God what you are confused about, tell God what you are upset about. & ask Him to show you that He’s real if he really is”.

Milestone…

So that is what I did. At 2:00 am in the morning I found myself on my knees in a classroom telling God all my worries & concerns. Telling God that I wasn’t sure if I believed in Jesus any more. I told God I want to follow Love & I believe that to be Jesus but do not want to be deceived anymore. I told God I am fine to just be a good person & share love to people, but if there was more to it, I wanted to know! Jesus was the ultimate definition of love to me that I had learned about in this life so far, & I wanted to represent that kind of unconditional love to the world too.

I said “God if you show me someway somehow that you are real & that Jesus is the answer, that I am meant to follow Jesus, I will follow you with my whole life, not just 90% but 110%. I trust you will show me in a way that will prove to me and make sense to me.

& I left it at that, friend.

One or two days later, I cannt remmeber fully, I was walking out of a college church service and long story short, 2 men came up to me and introduced themselves to me. They said that they love Jesus alot and do their best to follow something called the Holy Spirit & through the Holy spirit they believe God gives messages for people. & this time they felt like God had a message for me.

“meeeeee?” I said.

I let them share with me what “message” they felt like they had and this is what I remember they said, “Kailey, God heard your prayer, he is alive, he is real, and he is ready for you to pursue him with your entire heart and life. He is so pleased and proud of you to make this decision.

Boom. They said some more things that felt as if they were reading the very strings of my heart, part of me wondered if they had heard me crying out to God the previous nights before.

I had told God if you showed me in a way that I would understand then I would follow not just 90% but 110% of my life. I would trust God unless He showed me a reason not to trust Him. Though it hasn’t been easy, looking back I see God has come through for me time after time.

Freshman year of College took me on a track of being so excited to dive in deep with Jesus in a way I never had before. I was learning about the Holy spirit, and how the Holy spirit moves in and through us, I learned about the goodness of God, and who I am as a daughter of the king of kings. This propelled me for the next few years. I was experiencing myself transform, all over again & I was falling in love with Jesus.

I experienced my heart growing more for people of all sorts. I witnessed miracles happening before my eyes. I was worshipping God in a way where I felt undone, I could not stop singing to the creator, it was as if I was more and more alive! I spent endless hours in spending time reading the bible, praying, and reflecting. It was so fun to me because it was starting to feel like a real divine relationship, with deep intimacy!

Still, in all these amazing times I was working through an eating disorder at one point, & working through some serious anxiety too. Praise the Lord, I am healed!

Milestone…

That summer I lived in Minnesota and there got involved with a ministry that does week long mission trips into the Inner Cities of America. I learned & grew SO much that summer & was thrilled to take what I had learned & to use it wherever I went from then on. I learned a lot from the people that surrounded me that summer too. Shout out to you my MN family!!! 

In fall of 2016, I embarked on an internship journey to Chicago. I was determined to love this city well and also asked for God’s heart for the brokenness in this world. That semester was another milestone. It was beautifully growing, stretching, & amazing. I was gifted with a wonderful community that took care of me so well. I also experienced lot’s of brokenness there in my work life, personal life, and city life too.

For a variety of reasons I left with such a big heart for the City & people of Chicago, but also left feeling burnt out, overwhelmed with the amount of brokeness, and conflicted on a variety of levels.

I was confused & started to question God again. Where were you in these times? Why do some people have it easier than others. Why am I so blessed to have what I have been given? What are the answers God? Where are you in the brokenness? Where are you in my confusion?

The year of 2017 was rough. In the beginning, I felt numb, unsure, conflicted, and quite upset for a good portion of it. I felt upset with God, & did not know what to think at times. Instead of diving deeper & inviting God into all my questions and brokenness, I chose to doubt & wallow quite a bit instead.

Halfway through 2017, things started to pick up. I started to open up more with friends & family, I started to bring my fears, doubts, and worries to God again. I was provided a community of powerful, loving women who poured into me and listened to me, and just heard me out and helped me with certain things. I was starting to really love the work I was doing at a refugee resettlement, & loved the people there too. I started to feel more at ease & was trying to spend more intentional time with God, bringing all my wonders to Him.

Still, I slipped up a time from time with decisions that were not life giving & hurt me later on. Thankfully, there is endless grace & mercy!

Milestone… 

January 2018, I embarked on this journey called the World Race, & friend, this is where I know I am meant to be right now. In the past 3 months, I have had a space & time to reflect with God, re-align my relationship with God, & put stakes in the ground (metaphorically speaking) of trusting the goodness of God no matter what, taking my thoughts captive, and having another fresh start again in growing with Jesus.

I have been able to experience culture, people, and places, which truly has given my a larger understanding oh how good & big our God truly is. My love for God & people has grown on this trip too. I am so grateful.

On this journey in life I’ve learned that walking in relationship with Jesus does not promise for it to be easy, or even always safe, but it is good. It is so good. I see that even when I haven’t been pursuing Jesus the way he deserves, He still pursues me & has this crazy patience, mercy, and grace like no other. I am discovering what it means to be a daughter, a daughter of the creator of this universe. That is pretty dang cool. God loves me, & I believe God loves you too, so very much.

Sometimes I have felt that my relationship with God is like a roller coaster with Highs and Lows, sometimes I have felt really upset in not understanding why God allowed some things to happen. but as I grow, I realize that sometimes those lows have been refining seasons, and helping me to get out the kinks & misconceptions of what I cannot understand. Today, I believe God is good, better than we think or could fully imagine. I want to bring my questions & concerns to God, from that perspective, that He is better than I think. Today and forever more, I choose to view God from a place of trust, a God of only good intentions, a Father of all that is right in this world. This has not been an easy journey at times, but I am so grateful & would not trade it for something else. I am not perfect by any means, I am so glad to be following a faith that declares unlimited grace & mercy for all the mistakes & shortcomings I make too. 

I’ve learned that it is more than OK to question, wrestle, & even wonder all the “why’s”. But as I start to understand the Goodness of God more & more, I realize more often than not, His heart breaks for what breaks ours too. God is fighting for us. God’s heart is for restoration. God is unbelievably good. The character of God is shown in the person of Jesus & for me, that is what I desire to follow. Wahooo! 

I hope today fills you with Joy, gladness, & all good things. You are awesome, cherished & loved. I mean it!

With Gratitude,
Kailey

P.S. Here’s a cool bible verse I like a lot!

“May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight Abba, my rock & my redeemer” Psalm 19:14